Writer's block is a beast and for all the writers out there they know what I mean. It is actually a very hurtful thing for one to not be able to express themselves through their artistic outlet, whatever it may be. So I feel as if I am slowly coming out of my block I hope I am not speaking to soon, time will tell. The amazing thing about writer's block is all the emotion that gets pent-up inside. No matter how hard you try to get it out you can't. It must not be forced it must come out on its own when it is ready. When the floodgates are breached and the waters of emotion, and new inspiration come crashing forth...it is an amazing feeling. In this state a writer's thoughts, ideas tend to flow repeatedly crashing into each other. One simply can not write them all down fast enough. In this state we feel rejuvenated like we could write for an eternity and never stop. I am anxiously awaiting the crashing of the floodgates within my soul. As I said time will tell, but I am very frustrated these days having so much bottled up makes one feel trapped or submerged rather with no escape. I just may shut myself up in my room and typed until I can come out. Yes maybe that is what I need to lock myself away from the world and its distractions.
I will never forget my final moment with Auntie. This memory itself both breaks my heart and makes me happy. Strange I would have never thought heartbreak and happiness could co-exist together as one! I remember that day so clearly, the day before my sweet Aunt went to sleep taking her last breaths. I was standing there by her bed side talking to her, rubbing her cheeks, and hands. I was trying so hard hoping that she would feel my touch, hear my voice, to have some comfort before the end. Well I keep on talking to my Aunt and rubbing her and suddenly she turned her head to the side in my direction. As clear as day she lifted one of her eyes, she stared right at me for a few seconds. That moment seemed so holy, I wanted to cry right there, but I held it I would not let my Aunt hear me crying. I had to be strong for her. The reason this moment amazed me, and broke my heart all in the same beat is because of my Aunts" circumstances.
At the time she was suffering from bone cancer that had spread through out her whole body. Plus I have heard that cancer pain is one of the worst pains people go through. I was told that at a certain point when it is nearing the end for a cancer patient that pain medicine no matter how strong does not really help. In other words the morphine can not kill the pain...because it is so horrible. Her unbearable pain combined with the fact that she was under the effects of so much medicine, weak heart rate , barely breathing with the help of the machine. Amazes me that she found the strength to turn face me and open her eye. I could tell that that was her way of letting us know that she knew we were there. I swear to you I could also hear her mumbling through her mask trying to talk. I know my Aunt well and I know that was her way of telling us she was ok and not to worry. What a woman concerned and worried for us when she was on her death bed. When I think of the fact that she used the little strength she had to open that one eye, I cry so hard. My Aunt was always strong. I am told that this strength runs in my blood and it truly does. My Aunt beat cancer the first time, but she lost the battle when it came back. I tell you something though my Aunt fought to the very end, she never gave up. She passed the next day sadly I did not get there to be with her as she took her last breaths. Though I am grateful for the day before when I got to be with her. Now in the end her body was tired, fighting massive infection with the cancer, and she had a bad heart. So the cards were stacked against her this time, but she gave cancer one good fight. I know for a fact that she was tired of suffering and ready to go. Her boyfriend was there with her in the end holding her hand till she passed. He told us that after the machine was unhooked, she didn't even last 5 minutes breathing on her own. So yeah she was ready to let go and oh so tired. I have heard it said that only a Aunt can love you like a mother, and that my dear you certainly did!! I love you Auntie :) I'll see you soon!
I don't even know how I feel right now, I guess I am in shock. I just can not believe that my Auntie might be leaving this world soon. She has always been there for me really and truly she is like a second mother to me. Oh, I really don't know what to do now, I just feel so numb, like I can't believe it. It is true nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one, nothing. I feel like I have actually stepped out of my body and am watching someone else. My heart is truly breaking right now. I am trying to be strong for my mom, and I feel as if I am not doing a job about it. It feels like there is a dam in inside me that holding back the waters as hard as it can, but the waters win. The floodgates have burst. I find myself doing the dishes, or taking a shower and out of the blue the tears just hit, so hard and I can not hold them back. I find myself just walking about trying to do ordinary things and just breaking down being racked with tears. I hope to go back to the hospital later today to see her again. My Aunt is a fighter, she gave this cancer a run for its money, but this is a battle that my auntie is going to lose. I don't know what to say but my heart is truly breaking. I am losing the woman who is literally my second mom. So sad I pray that she goes on to sleep in no pain.
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Previous PostsGetting my mojo back...maybe, posted June 29th, 2013
The Final Moment...One Last Touch, posted January 10th, 2013, 1 comment
Breaking Heart, posted December 30th, 2012, 5 comments
Masquerade Ball Fantasy Pt. 1, posted October 9th, 2012, 6 comments
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